Surprisingly, i don't feel bored or rather lonely when i'm at home. I like this feeling, i love it when i start thinking things in a simpler version, being oblivious w everything around me, and head home when school ends, in a way i get to save my money for my bkk trip and also, more time for my studies and exams. Recently, ive been constantly feeling happy and i wish it stays this way forever but sadly, we all know nothing rly stays throughout let alone emotions bc they fluctuate so easily. ive been thinking a lot about the past nowadays, bc ive changed so much that i'm no longer that bubbly and cheerful gal anymore, not that gal that can be contented easily, not that gal that loves herself more than anyone else. sometimes i get afraid bc when times that i feel this way, i hv no one to turn to and idk how to organize my thoughts (yea like once again) they get so messy in my head, and the real question that i'm always asking myself is whether am i really happy with where i am. i always say that i'm such a blessed gal and happiest gal on Earth, with the amount of love i can get from my boyfriend, my beloved friends. but come to think of it again, ive lessen the reliance of everyone that i love bc i know clearly that i'm usually the one in need of them and not the other way around. i'm usually more into other's people lives than they are in my life. i don't like it, bc at the end of the day, i will be the one suffering and most of the times i'm suffering bc its so obvious that i love these people more than they love me, need them more than they need me.. i don't feel safe. i don't feel assured. i don't know where do i stand. where do i rly feel safe? am i rly happy? such a tough battle i hv to conquer with myself. sorry if i bore anyone with my post i just need to rant you all can just think that i'm trying to gain attention here or wallowing in my self pity again. but, this is me. for the past one year and also goes to show that for this past one year, ive been fighting with myself and i still hv yet to save myself

congrats rachel, you're not recovered